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Dirty Dog the Clown’s Tips on Nuclear War

Dear folks,

Here is a list of safety tips and advice for your paper. I have tried these techniques in testing areas and found them successful. With proper application there is no reason for anybody to get hurt in a nuclear war. If these techniques fail, however, I refuse to be held responsible as people do not always follow explicit instructions while they are severely injured.

My best wishes for you and your friends and may the coming apocalypse find you in good cheer and happiness.

Your friend and fallguy,

Dirty Dog the Clown

SAFETY TIPS FOR THE POST-NUCLEAR EXISTENCE

1. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear bomb, use the stairs.

2. When you’re flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit the ground.

3. If you’re on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.

4. Don’t attempt communication with dead people—it will only lead to psychological problems.

5. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.

6. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.

7. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles.

8. Drive carefully in “Heavy Fallout” areas, people could be staggering illegally.

9. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but are more sanitary due to limited circulation.

10. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short supply on D-Day.

HOW TO TELL WHEN YOU ARE DEAD

1. Little things start bothering you—little things like worms, bugs, ants.

2. Something is missing in your personal relationships.

3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate.

4. You have a hard time getting a waiter.

5. Exotic birds flock around you.

6. People ignore you at parties.

7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning.

8. Playboy magazine wants to interview you.

9. You no longer get off on cocaine.

10. You finally get time off from work.

Remember, kids, in the event of an insurrection in your town, the government would probably send fighter/bombers like this one on raids against the revolutionaries. So, be sure you can tell the “friendlies” from theirs. You’re probably too young to recall the statement of a U.S. officer in Vietnam who said, “We had to destroy the city to save it.” Forewarned is forearmed.