Score-o-Scope

It was brought to my attention last week, that each of the various astrological signs [vague as any such sun-sign delineation can be] has its own particular sexual proclivities and positions. Indeed, it would be quite possible [if not desirable] to create an astrological Kama Sutra, designed to insure sexual fulfillment and certainty for all possible combinations of signs. Here follows a brief capsule description of astrological intercourse [blow by blow, as it were].

Before we get into the individual signs, I should like to say that in general FIRE signs prefer straightforward, enthusiastic fucking. EARTH signs tend to limit themselves variety-wise in one way or another, [they have a strong dislike for one position or another, usually some quite innocuous one]. AIR signs like much artistic variety and fuck better to music. WATER signs are a curious combination of the most straight-laced and the wildest inclinations.

In general, the sexiest signs of the Zodiac are Capricorn, Scorpio, Leo, Libra, and Taurus. The most variety is to be found in Pisces, Gemini, Libra, and Aquarius. The most staying power or stamina is found in Taurus, Scorpio, and Capricorn. [Occasionally Gemini surprises with a kind of alternating current.]

The best sex is found with someone you love, no matter what sign they are. And remember, even if you aren’t in a sexy sign, you can be good in bed. All it takes is practice, determination, and a sense of humor. If you don’t have those, nothing will help you anyway.

ARIES enjoys the act itself and somewhat ignores the necessary preludes to intercourse. Once comfortably inside [or penetrated, as the sex may be] ARIES goes at it just fine, and is generally a noisy lover.

TAURUS likes to touch, and will do anything as long as much contact is made as possible with the other person’s epidermis. TAUREANS are also noisy lovers, but considerably more melodious than ARIES. TAURUS is fond of using the tongue, but not so fond of cunnilingus as it could be.

GEMINI is fond of everything or nothing. GEMINI utilizes every position in the book, and some not thought of, sometimes calling in extra friends to complete the pattern. GEMINI is so enthusiastic that some would call it perverse.

CANCER is pretty straightforward. On top for the male, underneath for the female. CANCER can get into some pretty involved pickles, but basically this water sign likes it the old-fashioned way, and does it better than most too.

LEO will do anything as long as he/she can see the partner’s face. LEO is fond of the chase, falling down in the home stretch sometimes. LEO likes to get as far into things as possible. Any position that allows the pubic hairs to merge tightly will do, as long as it lets them smile at each other.

VIRGO wants to be good in bed so bad it generally knows everything, but flinches at armpits, oral intercourse, and bad words. It has a peculiar but suppressed fondness for anal intercourse.

LIBRA enjoys funky music more than any of the other signs, and likes to have something to work against [a responsive partner, music, a square-dance caller, anything]. LIBRA is sensual and inventive, but likes to eventually come in the [so-called] normal position. Unlike CANCER, LIBRA likes variety in between.

SCORPIO shares VIRGO’S fondness for anal intercourse, but with less pretense. SCORPIO is another basic fucker. It cares not for refinements, prefers to use its energy on basics. Some lubrication is required.

SAGITTARIUS is eager to try everything, and does. It often likes to lie on its side while it balls. SAGITTARIANS are also better in the chase than the kill. They excite but seldom fulfill completely their promises. No one is better than a SAGITTARIUS, however, for odd positions that were lost in antiquity. Given a lost cause, these fire signs are great.

CAPRICORN tends to be old-fashioned simply because the more basic positions are still the most direct and efficient. It does like to reverse the “normal” position a lot. It requires more privacy than most.

AQUARIUS enjoys fucking from hammocks, in bathtubs, in closets, in sleeping bags, anywhere and how that is somewhat unusual. For this reason AQUARIUS has been called the sign of orgies. But there is a dogmatic quality about AQUARIUS’ unconventionality. [“Can’t we just fuck face-to-face tonight, honey?” “What are you? Some kind of frigid?”]

PISCES is the natural sign of cunnilingus, and tends to do so. It is agreeable to everything, and spends more time mouth-to-genital than many would think proper. A hung-up PISCES is one who can’t stand cunnilingus or fellatio or pederasty or any of the other things so dear to all hearts.

from Open City (UPS)

Web archive note: brackets in original.