The response to last issue’s “Contest of Contests” [FE #289, January 24, 1978] was underwhelming to say the least, but we did receive enough entries to fill the first three winning spots (in fact, exactly that number). The contest was to describe what you could imagine doing at the gathering of ghouls assembled for Hubert Humphrey’s funeral at the Capitol in Washington D.C. Here are the winners:

*GRAND PRIZE: Malik, of Chino, Calif., age seven, who also picked up an added award for the best surrealist entry. His letter said that if he wins, “I’ll settle for a million dollars.” It’s in the mail, kiddo. Here is his winning entry:

Put their right feet in their nostrils, put their other feet in their ears. Put their bottoms where their heads go and their heads where their bottoms go. Put their eyeballs in their mouths and let them chew on them for awhile, then stuff them with turkey feed. Take their false teeth out and let them wear them for hats. Then let them paint theirselves black, say their prayers, kiss their tears, marry their tits, and eat cancer for breakfast.

RUNNER-UP: John Shelley of Tampa, Fla., who we are sure is an adult. His entry read:

I’d have his (Humphrey’s) mouth pulled open and have a penny pitching contest at the (Capitol) Rotunda. Labor leaders would be given a closer lag line so they could be assured of honoring Hubert in death as they did in life.

2nd RUNNER-UP: John Connolly, also of Tampa, Fla. He said:

I would have screamed something like “Rockefeller’s Trilateral Commission is eating up the country, just as cancer chowed down on Hubie” and watch how the teevee lizards would — what else cover it up (sorry I can’t come up with anything funny. Got a case of bonkus of the honkus).

The GRAND PRIZE winner gets a free lifetime subscription to the Fifth Estate. Gee, what a lucky kid!