New information sheds light on the recent “accidental” disaster that destroyed the space shuttle Columbia. In a secret communiqué from the Intergalactic Liberation Front (ILF), spokesperson Ivan Von Kropotkin from the planet Berkman warned NASA and all the governments of the globe: “Earthlings stay home! Your space program is a massive waste of resources for capitalist profit and military domination. Don’t even think of doing to outer space what you’ve already done to your own planet.”

Von Kropotkin warned that future attempts by humans to colonize space would be met with similar opposition.

An undisclosed and un-verifiable Pentagon source said that the ILF is really just an Al-Qaida front that received training at Cape Canaveral during the Cold War.