arf! arf!

QUESTION: My wife and I think it might be interesting for her to have intercourse, perhaps regularly, with a German Shepherd dog. We have not experimented, however, because we are afraid of weird diseases that we might get. What’s the deal?

ANSWER: Some scientists believe that venereal diseases originated in animals and were transmitted to man by lonely caveboys. But my shaggy veterinary consultant claims there are no modern diseases man can receive from animals through sexual contact. Venereal lymphogranuloma is a venereal disease of dogs (comparable clinically to lymphogranuloma venereum in humans—a relatively rare VD) caused by a virus and marked initially by blisters, ulcers and swollen lymph glands.

Affection for our furry and feathered friends should be tempered by the knowledge that many diseases can be given to man by animals (and vice-versa), e.g. parrot fever, rat-bite fever, cat-scratch fever, rabies, plague, tuberculosis and several types of intestinal worms (which could be acquired by kissing your German Shepherd lover).

QUESTION: Would you please tell me how a male dog is conditioned to respond sexually to a human female? I should also like to know whether a satisfactory act of coitus is possible between the two and if a particular breed of dog is best suited for this type of relationship.

ANSWER: You might well have asked how a human female is conditioned to respond sexually to a dog—growling, yelping, etc. We may think France is going to the dogs now but in the last century Parisians could watch a woman making it with a bull terrier for ten francs.

Perhaps the American Kennel Club should advertise its manual in the underground press with photos designed to appeal to the apparently large numbers of dog lovers in our midst—Yorkshires, dachshunds, cockers, Irish and Russian wolfhounds, all sizes, shapes, and colors. We can also expect to see shortly in the classified ads items such as “Lusty, healthy female, mid-30’s with warm dry pad, large yard and six months’ supply of Dr. Ross’ seeks well endowed mastiff stud. Owner should send photo and proof of distemper shots...”

My laboratory assistant says she fell in love with Bernard, the St. Bernard who was my recent house guest. But she claims it’s only a platonic relationship. Maybe Lassie should be banned from television.

QUESTION: I was wondering about the medical literature, if any, concerning human breeding with the higher primates. Aside from the most obvious example of ass/mare matings (mules), I have read about geese/swan matches and lion/tiger matings producing offspring. It would seem to me that there just might be a close enough kinship to permit the birth of a hybrid in a human/higher ape match via artificial insemination.

Finally a theological question: if such a hybrid were possible, would the child (cub?) be eligible for Christian baptism’? If not, would this mean that the child (cub?) would be born without the taint of original sin, or merely that the offspring was an animal?

ANSWER: Hybrid animals have been developed to meet specialized agricultural needs, e.g. the offspring of a water buffalo and a cow is more resistant to ticks and mosquitoes than the cow. Tigons, ligers and mules are examples of progeny of mixed species—but the offspring cannot reproduce.

I am not aware of any successful mating of humans and apes, either in the flesh or through artificial insemination. Artificial insemination of female apes has undoubtedly been attempted, but aside from moral and ethical considerations, there might be a problem finding female volunteers willing to bear an ape-child.

I’ll have to pass on the question of whether an ape-human would be guilty of original sin. Perhaps there are theologians amongst our readers who could solve this hairy problem.

If such a creature were born, he could readily find employment as a professional football player.

QUESTION: I have fantasies of balling a female gorilla or other large ape. What’s happening? I don’t desire this to the exclusion of human females, though. I now enjoy all varieties of sexual experience with females from 14 to 63. I am 28 years old. This is not a put-on.

ANSWER: You didn’t give your sex or the ages of the apes you desire. Since your letter was postmarked New York City I would advise you to go to the Central Park or Bronx Zoos to observe at first hand the wooing of apes. Gorillas are quite affectionate but are also very exuberant. Bestiality is prohibited by law. Besides, what would you do about those fangs and claws?

Man’s love for animals is well documented in books such as Kinsey’s Sexual Behavior in the Human Male and Krafft-Ebbing’s Psychopathia Sexualis.

Dr. Schoenfeld welcomes your questions. Write to him c/o the Fifth Estate.