Thee Column

With a Lot of Help From His Friends

The object of this column will be twofold. We will act as a community action line where you don’t have to talk to a telephone answering machine and hope that your question or problem is the one in 10,000 they decide to work on. We also make you aware of all the free, inexpensive or unusual groovies available to you. Write us about your problems, questions or suggestions:

c/o The Fifth Estate

1107 W. Warren

Detroit, Michigan 48201

Or call Open City, 831–2770 and leave your message. The messages are picked up daily. Be sure and leave your name, address and phone number where you can be reached.

Now for the groovies.

If it’s your birthday and you’re driving go to any of the JAX KAR WASHES around town and cop a free wash, then if you’re male go to the Stanley Steamer, 13425 Capitol, just east of Coolidge (that’s Schaefer in Oak Park) north of Nine Mile and score a free body wash, a $3.75 steam bath, that is. They have wet steam (hot rocks) dry steam (sauna), exercise room, colored TV lounge, sun lamp room, a restaurant (sorry not free) and a whirlpool massage that’s really a killer. All the honko creature comforts you could possibly want for the mere flip of an ID showing the anniversary of your arrival.

Now both sexes, if it’s your 21^st birthday hurry on down to the old Traffic Jam, Canfield, just east of Second. After showing your ID to Joe College, BMOC, who guards the door, he’ll write down your name and give it to the bartender who will then proceed to turn off the juke box, turn on the P.A. and scream into the microphone, “Theeeee Turrafficcc Jammm takes purridde innn announcinggg theeeee twenteeee-furrrst burrithday uvvv Rebeccaaa Reeeferrr!!!” After which he plays a very far out version of “Happy Birthday to You” which, if my ears don’t deceive me, is Mickey Mouse backed up by the Electric Prunes with Larry Miller on the guitar.

Whilst all of these changes are taking place you are being served a pitcher of beer topped with a cherry held up by a plastic monkey.

From there go to any of the Coral Gables Beer Joints (that’s a place to drink, not an exotic reefer concoction) and get a free drink. They have one each in Berkley, Lansing, Manistee, Saugatuck and two in Kalamazoo.

If it’s not your birthday but you could dig a coed steam high go to the Centerline Sauna, 24420 Van Dyke between 9 and 10 Mile across from Howard Johnson’s ptomaine palace. The small offering of $1.75 an hour per person gives you a private sauna for two. Marriage is a supposed prerequisite, so try to borrow a license if you’re not. Also bring your own towels to save an additional-25 cents charge. For further info call them at 755–6510.

In the area of practicality it comes to mind that a whole lotta people are throwing a whole lotta coins down the toilet buying light bulbs. DETROIT EDISON COMPANY will give you one light bulb free for every one that’s bad.

It can be either blown or broken. All you need is the metal part at the bottom (wattage doesn’t matter) and a current Edison residential electric bill that’s been paid. If your electric bill is included in your rent borrow a bill from a friend, they don’t check ID. They have one way and three way bulbs all the way up to 300 watts.

This may seem like plenty, but Reddy Kilowatt turnons don’t stop yet. With the same paid bill you can get free repair (not even a charge for parts) on electric irons, space heaters, toasters, roasters, can openers, coffee percolators, fry pans, clocks, and!!! and!!! replacement cords for these or any other appliances except TVs and radios. If you have an electric refrigerator, stove, washing machine or dryer, there is a charge, but only for parts which are often not necessary. Call them at 962–6800.

The Michigan Consolidated Gas Monopoly will come out and check your gas furnace or water heater, if it’s not operating properly, but if it’s anything more than relighting the pilot or something else simple they probably won’t do it, but refer you to someone who will do it cheap. Their number is 965–8000.

That’s all for now. Much thanks to Cathy the typist who sweated profusely and all the other profuse sweaters, who made this column possible.

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!